March 13th, 2017

Howdy followers ov tha v(((o)))id.  I have entered into a new stage of treatment. It’s called a work therapy program, where the idea is that I will be working 40 hours a week, for the VA, doing laundry for the hospital, and will be able to continue counseling and therapy outside of that. I have begun working, and will be able to get caught up on bills. I will be here for the next 6 months at least. I have yet to see any counselors though, really. I’m hoping this will change soon. It’s difficult to find a good counselor though. I seem to be finding more solace in immersing myself in art, but realistically, I won’t always be able to do that, and still need more tools with how to manage most other instances in my life. I’m still heavily medicated, but I suppose it is helping me level out. I still feel all this stuff brewing under the surface though. I’m trying to take it one day at a time. I was able to take in quite a bit of awesome art these last 10 days. These are the things that helped me during that time:

Dario Argento’s “Phenomena” film, soundtrack by Goblin and Simon Boswell, 1985

—-I just watched this for the first time on my recent journey to watch all of Argento’s films. I really loved it. I don’t want to spoil any of it, but it’s another great Argento film.

12mar: I was riding with my mother on some highway when some real fancy looking ferrari or something was tailgating us, and I pulled my phone out to film it incase anything happened, to ease the insurance claim process. Then they got over and got in front of us and slammed on their brakes, almost causing us to run into them. Then they took off down the highway. At some other point I was in some kind of skate shop, that seemed to have copies of something by Misery Ritual on CD, for a much better price than any of the other CD’s. I seem to have been alone in the store, and felt very tired, and decided to take a nap on a couch that was there. At some other point, an old acquaintance, KR, was hanging out with me, and was telling me they were sorry for blocking my account at one time, but said they didn’t even remember doing it. I replied that I was no longer on social media and that’s why my info isn’t popping up. Then my sister showed up and told me I had to leave, even though I was homeless. She had important things to do. At some point here, I became lucid, and tried to explore the area with the same consciousness that I seem to have as I write this. This is the first lucid dream I have had in several years. At some point it turned into me having a short episode of sleep paralysis, which I was awakened from by the fire alarm going off in the building I’m in at 4am.

Deathspell Omega “Si Monvmentvm Reqvires, Circvmspice” Norma Evangelium Diaboli NED005, CD, 2004

—-and yet another installment in my ongoing revisitings of DSO’s discography, where I’m taking the time to follow along with lyrics as the compositions pummel and mesmerize me, and acknowledge that these albums have been analyzed in far greater detail in other places online, which are worth looking into if you’re into this band. They fucking rule, and this album is astonishing.

Harmony Korine’s “Gummo” film, 1997

—-I first saw this movie when I was around the age of 16, back in 2002 or 2003, still in highschool, and in some ways living a life not far removed from the lives of those depicted in the film. The film takes place is Xenia, OH, but from all I’ve learned of small-town-Amerikkka, it could very well represent many small towns in Amerikkka. I didn’t understand the movie then. I may not fully understand it now. Even in all the harrowness and emptiness, and meaninglessness there are somehow moments of beauty, but for the most part it’s an accurate representation of how lost many of us are, how horrible some of us can be, without even realizing it sometimes. I watched the film again about 10 years ago, and can’t really remember how I felt about it either of the two times I previously watched it very well, aside from knowing I felt that it was fucked up. Upon rewatching it now, with all my changes in perspective over the years, I am recognizing that I don’t feel that the characters in it are the antagonists given a lot of the awful stuff that goes on, but I have this broader sense that none of these people are to blame, more and more, I lean towards believing that we are all to blame, and also none of us are to blame. All of us that are alive right now are to blame each day we don’t try to make the world a better place. The world has been a shitty place for a very long time, so that excuses us a little bit. It’s so depressing to me that life just keeps going like this where so many of us are suffering, or causing others to suffer. This movie is a big exposé into the question it begets: what the fuck is wrong with humans and society?

Bryan Lewis Saunders “Stream of Unconscious Volume 12” Stand Up Tragedy SUT-13.12, tape, 2013

—-‘Your Excellency’ features Hopek Quirin playing bass, guitar and knives, mixed by Jacki Engelken and Quirin. ‘White-Flaf Flagpole’ features Fantom Auditory Operations which appears to be a duo of BLS and Michael Esposito, Esposito doing the composition and reverse speech phenomena “based on the research of David John Oates.” I’ve been fascinated by the work of BLS ever since I discovered it. “Celebrate the victory of life,” says unconscious Bryan, “…you should have been everywhere celebrating life…you don’t belong here anyways.” If anything were worth celebrating life over, for me one of the most important artists from any time period, diving this deep into a personal perspective of the human condition, makes it very high up on my list of things worth celebrating. It would be very difficult to find an artistic body of work more worth analyzing and celebrating over than the vast libraries of psychological digging, uncovering, filing, and compiling works of BLS. A lot of information can be found about his works at his website. “I’m just saying you need to study up before you approach us, go back home, sit down take a breath, and read your books, read the handouts, then maybe you will understand,” says unconscious Bryan. This tape is quite wonderful. Hope Quirin’s prepared guitar ambiences, clangs and drones accompany Bryan’s sleeping words quite well, it almost makes you feel like you’re in this strange allegorical/alien landscape of Bryan’s dreams with him, strolling down the thought corridors, sometimes horrified, other times confused and bewildered. A small window into Bryan’s psyche is enough to provoke one’s thoughts for weeks if not a lifetime. ‘White-Flag-Flagpole’ begins with an extended musique concréte section layered with forward and reverse spoken segments, that moves along in a disorienting fashion, before moving to the sleep speech by Bryan that may be unaccompanied by any other sounds, but seems like maybe some subtle filters were placed upon the sounds, and is also very amazing. I can’t help but be fascinated by him. It also should be noted that he’s one of the nicest and thoughtful people, and I feel extremely lucky to consider him a friend of mine. “Cut your own wrist, tyrant children, they worry me, not for their own health, but for everyone around them.” The packaging and artwork has some Rorschach looking blots going on, as well as various symbols, designed by Alice Salyer, and comes with a 14 page book that has transcriptions of the things he was saying in his sleep that you hear on the tape.

“Cult Propaganda” zine by Head Destroyer Ministries

—-Another provocative zine by TN’s Head Destroyer, Casual Hex, Eye Violence/Falsecrime, in report of 1993’s Branch Davidian fiasco that happened in Waco, TX, extrapolating reasons why it happened that I don’t want to spoil here, along with ultra sick drawings and a map of the premises. Very awesome 16 page zine, that you gotta get from him if you wanna see the rest!

Gaute Granli “Ingen Potetsekk Whatsoever” Skussmaal SKUMC02, tape, 2015

—-According to google translate, ‘Ingen Potetsekk’ translates to No Potato-sack. I was fortunate enough to play a string of shows with Gaute last year, and we rode together to the one way played in Houston. His music is weird in the best of ways. It’s very hard to pigeonhole, but I love it a ton! If you’re into very strange rock-esque music, think parts Beefheart, parts Ween, parts Residents, in some of their strangest moments, this is sort of comparable, but really GG sits in his own field of weird/avant exploration.

Merzbow & Sun Ra “Strange City” Cold Spring Recordings CSR228 CD, 2016

—-I imagine this as being the soundtrack to the ever great Le Sony’r Ra née Herman Poole Blount’s journey to the outré reaches beyond time and space, beginning on May 30th, 1993, as he crossed beyond eternity. I fucking love it.

BBC Tele-play of George Orwell’s “1984” by Rudolph Cartier, 1954

—-I was unaware until very recently that any film version of 1984 existed. I understand that there is at least one other film adaptation of the dystopian novel. This version was executed quite well in my opinion. I thoroughly enjoyed it and would recommend both this and the novel to anyone who hasn’t checked them out yet. The story which is referenced in everything from Radiohead songs, to El-P’s rhymes, and is not very unlike the world we are now living in, is extremely captivating and terrifying.

My friend, Ben, shared some interesting information with me recently. Check these out:

“Jeremy England, a 31-year-old physicist at MIT, thinks he has found the underlying physics driving the origin and evolution of life.”

There’s a piece of music I recorded about a year and a half ago before ever seeing the above TED talk or reading Jeremy England’s theories, which add some synchronistic correlations with how I view existence. It’s not easy to describe. The recording is going to come out on a split 12″ later this year. Certain experiences that I’ve had, and all the various signs seeming to point at this outside of me, have led me to believe that this entire universe is actually a decaying being, and maybe decaying is the wrong term to use. Entropy seems to add to this for me. That constant transitory state of everything spreading infinitely in all directions also adds to this for me. It all really frightens me. I feel like there aren’t many people I can talk to about these things, but the ones I do have I am very grateful for. It seems as if they don’t seem to have too many people to talk about it with either. Tons of thinkers throughout the centuries have battled with similar thoughts, questions, and beliefs, but it also seems like once you start you continue to spiral into madness. But I am told otherwise by people that I revere, so maybe there is hope yet. Yeah. So, I shared the above TED talk with my friend Kelly and she said that I’ve caused her to relapse on her TED addiction. I’ve watched quite a few in the past, as they can be quite interesting, and quite inspiring. So, here’s another I watched recently, that I chose out of random.

9Mar: I was moving into a new house with an old friend, L, and the inhabitants of the house before us were still there for some reason. They were a Mexican family. I remember seeing a tape/vinyl collection in L’s room. There was an indoor swimming pool in the house. I was swimming with some woman who began to dunk my head underwater, and although I felt like I was suffocating, I distinctly remember being able to inhale and exhale, and it occured to me that these simultaneous feelings were very odd. When I climbed out of the pool, I remember asking a member of the Mexican family if he had any ideas about what may happen after death. Then I ascended a very poorly designed spiral staircase that I kind of had to spelunk up, through very small openings, with the intent of killing myself once I got up them, and I was crying as I climbed up there. At some point L was very upset with me for not having money for rent, and was asking me why I was waiting so long to take some indoor christmas lights down.

8Mar: I remember playing a solo noise set that incorporated samples of Sarah Ruth’s vocals in it. I was also manipulating guitar feedback, at times i lost my motor skills and couldn’t climb up to taller levels of the stage. I also played bass at different times, and during soundcheck I played an amp by switching tone functions on and off and adjusting volume knobs up and down, it sounded amazing in the dream.

“Under The Skin” by Jonathan Glazer, score by Mica Levi

—-Another installation of crossing an item off the Loathesome Semen Club’s insurmountable list of things to check out! So, i’m pretty blown away by this. I’m not exactly sure how to elaborate on that, and do the film justice in a description of my feelings about it. I also don’t want to spoil it in any way. I love it. I love the soundtrack. I’m really glad I spent the evening taking it in, and definitely plan on revisiting it sometime soon.

7Mar 0330; dreamt that I was in some albertson’s or kroger type store, that had an awesome merch section in it. I tried to steal an RRRecords belt buckle that I thought was way overpriced, and got caught, but came up with a good enough excuse to not get in trouble for it. At some point this all turned into me being pinned down against my will by multiple large men, and raped. After they let me go, I ran away from the store crying, and was trying to find a tall building to jump from and kill myself.

“Public Execution” zine by Head Destroyer

—-if you’re into sick shit, ultra morbid humor/anti-humor, elaborate murder stories, and classifieds advertising that you should stop reproducing now, because you should, shouldshouldshould, and zines, you should probably do yourself a favor and lend some support over to self proclaimed “False Crime/Eye Violence, Head Destroyer” at

Dario Argento’s “Tenebrae”, film, 1982, soundtrack by Claudio Simonetti, Fabio Pignatelli, and Massimo Morante of Goblin fame

—-Thoroughly enjoyed this film, and the use of red herrings, the gory scenes, twisting storyline, and dug the soundtrack as well. Trying to take in more giallo films as a part of the Lothesome Semen Club, so now I can strike this one off the insurmountable list.

4:19am, 6Mar2017: another visit from Brad, and the Gonzalez family. Brad did something to upset Aaron, and was forced into this room that was lifted high up above the ground. This made it where there was no safe way down. At some point it became me up there, and I decided to jump headfirst, so it would kill me. There were some kind of games being played. Dennis was playing some sort of stringed instrument. I can’t remember what Stefan was up to. We were rehearsing for something.

“The Nightmare” Rodney Ascher, film, soundtrack by Jonathan Snipes, 2015

—-Thank you Kelly for pointing me in the direction of this film as part of the Loathesome Semen Club. This is a documentary about the phenomenon of sleep paralysis. I’ve experienced this first hand more times than I can remember. It’s interesting to see a documentary about it. The soundtrack by Jonathan Snipes of Clipping is also very on point. I can remember being asleep in the back of my parent’s car as a small child and experiencing this, I remember seeing pretty monstrous shit, quite different from what the movie describes in some instances and very similar in others. It seems to happen pretty often. Except now I’m prescribed medicine for my nightmares, because if I’m not having sleep paralysis I’m having flashbacks to military experiences, or dreams of killing myself or killing others, and every now and then I suppose pretty “normal” dreams of processing subconscious things. I’ve been trying to convince myself to keep a dream log, partially influenced by Bryan Saunders and his stream of unconscious series. I don’t have a good excuse for not doing this. Maybe writing it here would motivate me. My therapist has been encouraging me to do this as well.

Revenge Technician S/T, tape, 8.5×11″ printed artwork and info, 2017

—-I feel super grateful to have crossed paths with PTD, and to have spent a little time with him when he and Bryan Lewis Saunders came through Texas last year. I set up a show for them at the now defunct physical location of Void Castle, of course they both killed it. Revenge Technician is a new project of PTD’s, and it fucking rules. This Tennesean has been brewing up darkened artifacts for quite a while as Mannequin Hollowcaust, as well as very awesome zine-works, and shares his wonderfully grotesque and macabre drawings with the intent of doing it every day on instagram, UN: casualhex, self proclaimed TN-trash electronics, as well as a a member of a newly formed project called Secret Bleeders that I am hoping to catch live one day, and anxiously awaiting some recordings to make their way onto the interwebz so I can check it out. This tape features four rhythmically, thematically different lo-fi industrial disasterpieces. The liner notes explain a few details. These pieces pulsate and pound into you in all their lo-fi glory and gory detail. I just played the tape three times in a row and each time it gets heavier, and I’m left wanting more! This is not a bad thing. There’s this haunting sample of Charles Manson on the last piece ‘exist/exit’ that contextually is totally fucking with my head. Maybe that’s part of why PTD credits himself as Head Destroyer. His artistic output deals in ultra-heavy realms of brutal truths and harsh realities as well as morbid fantasies. I assume it’s these things among many others that the sample of Manson is referring to. It’s all around you. The sonic equivalent of pushing along through this horrifying existence.  Also, PTD told me that my experiences with PTSD, as well as other folks he knows were part of the inspiration behind the track Combat Shock. I find it deeply moving to know that I’ve even partially inspired him, especially since I’ve gotten to take in some of his work and revere him like I do. If you’re reading this know that you are a huge inspiration to me, and I cherish our connection. Thank you.

Time of Orchids “Namesake Caution” Cuneiform Records Rune 257, 2007

—-For a band as mysterious as they are for crediting a band photo in the liner notes, and not having a band photo anywhere, haha, at least that I can tell…unless the person in the sideview mirror on the front cover is the band? This music sounds like it was created by an orchestra, and composed by a mad and dreamy genius. Discogs shows no performer listing for this album, but shows Chuck Stern, Jesse Krakow as being members, and Keith Abrams as having been a member. So, I can definitely tell that Stern is doing some, if not most of the singing. It would make sense to me that Abrams would be the one flawlessly executing very oddly metred time signatures and insane transitions behind the drum kit. There’s also a slew of gorgeous keyboard work, perhaps additional percussion, strange guitar playing, bass guitar ranging from subtle to doom heavy, all of it creating a very compelling listening experience. Following along with the lyrics proves rewarding as well. I’ve been taking this album in for years, and only just took the time to actually follow along with all the lyrics, and for shame. This is a super weird, progressive album with pop leanings and other very hard to categorize aspects, and I fucking love it a lot.

Pulverize The Sound (Mike Pride, Tim Dahl, and Peter Evans trio) on Relative Pitch Records RPR1039, CD, 2015

—-These are three musicians that I love a lot. I don’t know them personally, but they are responsible for some of the most bad ass sonic recordings of the last decade or longer. Every album I own with any of them on it is incredible in some way or another. We are served a single helping by Dahl, double helping by Pride, and triple helping by Evans, all of it fucking awesome. I find it quite astounding that a three piece can make such compelling, and insane sounds, even after my familiarity with other works of theirs. Thank hell that these astounding individuals came together for this release.


Botched Brazilian “Dildonic Racket” on [listen loudly], CDr, 2016

—-Christopher and Erica Robinson are two very awesome people that I wish I spent more time getting to know while I was in Denton. Chris is known in the HNW community as Big Hole. In this duo, as is explained in the artwork, Erica painted the cover on contact-mic’d sheet metal while Chris manipulated the sounds. The result is a subtly shifting HNW of some of the most tasteful variety, sonically it is so dense, quite lovely stuff to meditate to. The painting itself is also very well done, overall this is one of my favorite HNW releases that I own.

Trees “Sickness In” Crucial Blast CBR102, CD, 2012

—-Straight from the CB bandcamp: ” ‘Sickness In’ is the third album from Portland’s most wretched, Trees. Following their similarly abject slabs of feedback-doused horror and quasi-formless dirge ‘Lights Bane’ and ‘Freed Of This Flesh’ on Crucial Blast, the band again presents a two-song assault, each one roughly fifteen minutes in length, each a slowly rotting heap of droning slow-motion deathdoom riffs decomposing into clouds of black amplifier hum, high shrieking voices and tortured screams drifting against the glacial roar of smoking amp stacks and short-circuiting hardware. Where the previous album had Trees employing some interesting rhythmic chaos and longer stretches of ambient filth, this time around the band drops some of their most leaden, majestic riffs yet into their slow-mo filthstorm, massive saurian doom riffs slipping WAY out of the confines of ‘groove’ and deep into rumbling fields of charred ritualistic chanting and almost Abruptum-like states of psychotic noise. The first track ‘Cover Your Mouth’ crashes in on an avalanche of thrumming electricity and metallic noise, the crushing abstract heaviness collapsing in on itself, the rhythm section accentuating the rumbling black mass/mess with thunderous blasts of anti-propulsion. Trees have always seemed to have a somewhat improvisational feel to their extreme doom-laden horror, but just when you think that ‘Cover’ is on the verge of dissolving into a field of pure drone, the band unleashes titanic earth-scorching riffage. On ‘Perish’, the resonant sound of throat singing introduces a new wave of howling ambient feedback and speaker-hiss, but soon transforms into another twisted, agonized pain-dirge, those tortured vocals scraped raw, pain-wracked screams rising and falling behind the amorphous black sludge and diseased drones.”  They put this much better than I think I could. I love this album, and their other two albums.

Harvey Milk “Courtesy And Good Will Toward Men” CD, 1995

—-This is one of my favorite albums by one of my favorite bands. The perfect soundtrack for a troubled life. I could go on and on about it, but if you’re reading this, and you don’t already know, do yourself a favor and check this band out. You might find your new favorite band. Directly from relapse: “One of the most unusual and confounding records in the heavy rock world, and from the most unlikely of bands, Harvey Milk’s Courtesy and Good Will Toward Men’s uniqueness is legendary. A monument to unfettered originality on all fronts, Courtesy and Good Will Toward Men is at times fragile, minimal, and achingly beautiful; other times it suffocates with tar-black, crushingly heavy dirges that bend time. The tension that permeates the arrangements is exhausting, and the heart-on-a-sleeve vocals of Creston Spiers are truly gut-wrenching. Simply-stated, Courtesy and Good Will Toward Men is unprecedented, uneasy listening that walks the finest of lines between difficulty and beauty.”

Wu-Tang Clan “Enter The Wu-Tang: 36 Chambers” CD, 1993

—-ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.

Vultures Quartet & Philippe Petit “Tourbillon D’Obscurité” Sub Rosa SR320, New Series Framework 6, CD, 2011

—-This album is an absolutely gorgeous electroacoustic, ambient nightmare-scape, that utilizes a number of techniques to create a fully engrossing experience that I find quite fantastic. I listened to this in the car on the way back from Broaddus 3 times in a row, at night time while it was raining, cranked as loud as it would go. These soundworks on this album are brilliant. Everything from patient soft volume sections to some pretty overblown parts, tons of weirdness betwixt those two extremes. Fucking amazing.






I usually leave these images at the end with no caption, various photos from the time between the last update and now that either made me laugh, made me think, meant to show beauty, meant to show doubleplusunbeauty, and that’s what this last one represents for me, in terms of newspeak, double plus unbeauty. It’s from the farm house my family hunts out of. It’s where they buried my dad’s ashes. I felt like Ace Ventura inside my head the whole time I was in this house the other weekend. I’m not a fan of the behaviors of a lot of my extended family members. 

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